Swampland of Desire
The Fictitious Years / Studio Albums / Singles, EPs, Miscellany / Solo, Etc.

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The Fictitious Years

The contents of this page have been taken from Dead Milkmen Data Dump, The Dead Milkmen - The Fictitious Years (Coatesville/Philly 1979-83), The Dead Milkmen Archives, and Jack Talcum's Bootleg of the Month

So Long Seventies (January 1980)

Recorded December 1979-January 1980
Produced by Peter Puke;
Jerrock JSC-0032
Released January 1, 1980
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. Please Don't Touch Me
2. Paperweight
3. Old MacDonald
4. Reach Out
5. Crazy
6. Ain't Gonna Get My Love

Side 2.
1. Raul
2. When the Saints Come Marching In
3. Get Up on Your Knees
4. Mystery Killer
5. Hello, Goodbye
6. Save For The Sky
7. The Times They Are A'Changin
8. Auld Lang Syne

"This is the first cassette album made with the 'Dead Milkmen' name. (In the fictional Dead Milkmen backstory, this is the third Dead Milkmen album, but it is the first to feature Jack Talcum, Jr.) This tape was made with the help of my friend Garth as well as my youngest brother, Ben, and my sister, Mary Beth, and the youth director from Garth's church[, David]. It was meant to be intentionally bad but in a humorous way. Whether it has any entertainment value at all is debatable. As the story goes, Garth passed his copy of the tape on to Rodney at our high school, which led the way for Rodney joining us for future 'Dead Milkmen' escapades, which in turn paved the way for the real band of the same name."

-Joe Jack Talcum, December 2017.

Folk Songs for the 80s (February 1980)
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. She Loves Me Hard (Talcum)
2. Big Buisiness/Spanish Disco (Talcum-O'Neil)
3. Comatose Blues (Jiles)
4. Secret Love (Talcum)
5. Piano Disco (O'Neil)
6. I Don't Care Anymore (Talcum-O'Neil)
7. Garvedine's Blues (Talcum)

Side 2:
1. Lost the World/Need Someone (Talcum)
2. Mr. Radioman (Talcum-Jiles)
3. Confusion Mass (Talcum-O'Neil)
4. Space Disco (Talcum-O'Neil)
5. I Don't Want to Kill Him (Talcum)
6. Mr. Radioman - Reprise (Talcum-O'Neil)

"After Rodney heard So Long Seventies he approached Joe while waiting for the bus one day after school and asked if he could join the Dead Milkmen. 'What instrument do you play?' asked Joe (or so the story goes). 'Banjo,' was Rodney's reply. 'Sure! We could really use a banjo player.' So Rodney showed up at Joe's for the next Dead Milkmen 'recording session' and was welcomed into the band as 'Jake Jiles', a sort-of punk rock country bumpkin. Most of this album was recorded in just that one fateful session. Rodney had nothing written ahead of time, at least not on paper, but managed to improvise several verses of a song he called 'Comatose Blues' while playing a very badly tuned banjo. Another schoolmate who heard the first tape showed up for this session as well, a Mr. Andrew T.

Andrew played the part of an annoying radio dj who insisted on nabbing an interview with the reluctant and snotty band. Joe's siblings are absent from this recording as is David. 'The Pope' Garth 'O'Neil' had a large role on this tape, co-writing a number of the songs. Nothing sounds very much in tune, including the frequent extremely tasteless harmonica blowing of Jack's. Believe it or not this tape is even harder to sit through than So Long Seventies. [It] was also made available in reel-to-reel tape format."

-Joe Jack Talcum, 2001.

Jack Talcum and The Creeps - Strawberries and Asparagus (February 1980)
Side 1/Side 2
"This is perhaps one of the worst albums I've ever put together. It was compiled one day in early 1980 from random solo recordings plus a couple songs that were recorded on the spot to fill out the tape. By this time two 'Dead Milkmen' tapes had been made (So Long Seventies and Folk Songs for the Eighties) and I had published a couple issues of the fake Jack Talcum Fan Club Newzletter. I recall that I had stayed home from school the day I made this album but from the sound of it I wasn't all that sick, except maybe in the head. I'm not sure of the titles of the songs because the ink faded almost completely on the back cover, but there are some clues in the liner notes."

-Joe Jack Talcum, November 2017.

Sour Milk (April 1980)
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. Overloaded
2. Time
3. Kiss My Lips
4. Harmonica Disco
5. Idiot
6. Corina
7. The Invasion

Side 2:
1. And I Love Her Anyway
2. Public Toilet Seat
3. Death and Disco
4. Iran - US
5. Parakeet, Parakeet
6. Medley
7. Six Chords
8. In the Night

"This is the first tape that was not recorded in a mere two days and there is a decidedly more premeditated feel to it. Songs sound a little more crafted, though still very rudimentary. You can hear overtones of seriousness (and Bob Dylan influence) in tunes like 'Corina' but that doesn't last long. Rodney's Jake Jiles character is curiously absent here. This is mostly just a collaboration bewteen Garth and Joe. A lot of these songs sound multi-tracked, though this was recorded before cassette 4-tracks were available. Instead, a tape-to-tape overdubbing method was used requiring 3 tape recorders. The basic recording was played back on one player while mixed through a second tape recorder with a live microphone recording the 'overdub' onto a third recorder. To get a delay, or reverb sound, Garth and Joe recorded a track on two tape recorders simultaneously, then played them back slightly out of sync while recording the results on the third tape recorder. (This method was employed throughout the song 'Death and Disco' as well as the song 'Crazy' on the first tape.) It was a crude method, but it worked."

-Joe Jack Talcum, 2001.

Music for the Mindless (June 1980)
Side 1/Side 2
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. Disco Minus One
2. Cerebectocismio
3. Ping Pong
4. Spacelove
5. Crazy Julio
6. Laugh Away
7. Monkey Love

Side 2:
1. I'm a Thug
2. RockNRoll Muzak
3. From Me to You
4. I'm a Creep
5. My Bonnie
6. Here For Your Love
7. Angel Death 2

"This was the 4th Dead Milkmen cassette that was 'released' before the band was a real band. This one was mostly recorded by me alone (at the start of the summer of 1980 if my memory is correct) and with some assistance from the 'Pope' Garth O'Neil (my friend and neighbor). I recently found this original copy, complete with the artwork, while unpacking boxes after moving into a new place, in a box that had not been opened in years. Perhaps it would have been better off lost, but too late. 'From Me to You' (Beatles) and 'My Bonnie' (Scottish folk song) are covers. The rest are originals."

-Joe Jack Talcum, September 2016.

Country Sh!t and Other Garbage (July 1980)
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. Down to the Valley
2. My Girl Ain't Gonna Leave Me Anymore
3. The Small Dog's Song
4. Johnny is a Creep
5. The Annoying Song

Side 2:
1. Tonite I'm Gonna Find Me A Girl That Looks Real Nice
2. That's the Way It Goes
3. The Ballad of Frankie Phattob
4. Talkin' Coatesville Blues
5. Woman I'm Down
6. Searchin' For Someone with a Quicker Gun Than Mine
7. He Died a Most Misfortunate Way

"Country Sh!t was recorded in two main sessions during the summer of 1980. The album is credited to Jack Talcum and Joe Jack Daniels. The latter was this project's pseudonymn for Joe's high school friend, Randy B., who in real life went on to become a producer of tv sports shows. Joe, as usual, filled the role of Jack Talcum. The Pope Garth (played by Garth) made his usual appearances. The only thing that made this different from a regular Dead Milkmen release was the absence of Rodney's characters. The album has a unified country flavor, except for the song 'Johnny is A Creep' which was actually an outtake from an earlier Dead Milkmen album and was included here to fill out side one. The song 'Talkin' Coatesville Blues' offers commentary on the real life surroundings of the early Milkmen."

-Joe Jack Talcum, 2001.

For Die-Hard Fans Only (August 1980)
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. Modern Man
2. Simon Says
3. Military Jerk
4. I Wanna Die
5. Angel Death One
6. Everytime I Kiss You
7. You're Just Jealous
8. Let's Kill Gary Coleman
9. Big F or G

Side 2:
1. Debt Collector
2. Wrong Way Rita
3. Now Johnny's Dead
4. Daydream Box
5. Feeling Like an Evildoer
6. So Much Pain
7. Suzi Sin
8. It Went Fast
9. Waiting For Tomorrow

"This album is actually a collection of songs that were recorded throughout 1980 and which, for some reason or other, did not fit on any of the previous albums. The plan was to kill off the Dead Milkmen after Joe went to college, and this was at the time thought to be the final Dead Milkmen album, tying up the loose ends. In fact the 'final issue' of the Jack Talcum Fan Club Newzletter was published to coincide with the Die Hard Fans release. We know now that The Dead Milkmen did not 'break up' after Joe went to college. As it turned out, Rodney and Joe began collaborating more than ever in the winter of 1980/1981, using the US Postal Service as a means of communication. At any rate, this is a surprisingly entertaining, if somewhat uneven, collection. There are some inventive melodies and harmonies on Jack's songs 'Daydream Box' and 'Debt Collector'. Rodney's penchant for ridiculing Gary Coleman shines through on 'Let's Kill Gary Coleman' (a song that would probably never get released in the real world). 'Military Jerk' foreshadows Garth's eventual enlistment with the Air Force, but was probably directed, at the time, toward Andrew T. (who can be heard on the Folk Songs For the Eighties album) who had enlisted directly after high school graduation. There's even an instrumental ('Big F or G'), a rarity for the Milkmen."

-Joe Jack Talcum, 2001.

Doctor Talcum's Studio of Fear (December 1980-January 1981)
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. She's a Bomb
2. Reaganomics
3. Black Rabbi
4. Spit on Me
5. Spit Sink
6. Girl and Boy
7. Negroes

Side 2:
1. Girl Hunt
2. Johnny Keys (Mystery Eyes)
3. On Bandstand
4. Guitar Gangsters
5. Libyan Terrorist Blues
6. Heaven High

Cows and Gals (January 1981)
Side 1/Side 2
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. When You Are Dead
2. A Cow is All I Need
3. Guitar Strings*
4. What's Wrong With Screaming in Your Sleep?*
5. Stuffed Animals*
6. Plum Dumb
7. Love You Blue

Side 2:
1. Only Lust
2. Petrified Beach*
3. The Milkman Moo*
4. Bang Bang
5. Consumer Goods*
6. Dogflowers*
7. When's This Fighting Gonna Stop?
8. Love Me Blue

"Cows & Gals is the fifth 'fake' Dead Milkmen cassette that was made before the band actually existed. It was recorded during the winter of 1980-81 while I was home on break after my first semester of college. The bulk of the recording was done by me alone though I had help from Garth and Rodney on some of the tracks*. (The song 'Plum Dumb' would later find a place on the real Dead Milkmen's debut LP, Big Lizard in My Backyard.)"

-Joe Jack Talcum, September 2022.

Raging Cow (June 1981)
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. Mystery Hair (Talcum)
2. Rat On My Stomach (Talcum)
3. Forgive Me When I Sigh (Talcum)
4. Blue Upon More Blue (Talcum)
5. Get Happy (Talcum)
6. If The World Is Coming To An End (Talcum)

Side 2:
1. Colors (Talcum)
2. Goodnight Sweetheart (Talcum - O'Neil)
3. Singing Cows (Talcum - O'Neil)
4. Fox Trot (Talcum - O'Neil)
5. Damned Turtles Of The Underworld (Talcum - O'Neil)
6. Drag On And Rock'n'Roll (Talcum)
7. Talking People (Keys O'Neil)

"The first side is mostly a Jack Talcum solo album. It opens with a rather pleasant acoustic guitar song. The second song is a second-rate attempt at a drumless punk song. The third and fourth songs are sappy sweet predictable pop melodies with terrible lyrics. 'Get Happy' (the supposed hit single) is the first rap - type song of the fictitious D.M. It mentions 'Kurtis Blow' who had become an influence. Other influences at the time were Blondie and David Bowie. Bowie's influence (Aladdin Sane period) can be heard clearly on the first song of side two, 'Colors'. The rest of side two is a collaboration between the Pope Garth and Joe (Jack Talcum) and is a little more fun. Percussion consists of pots and pans. Other instruments: acoustic guitar, piano, chord organ. 7 songs in 15 minutes! 'Like this music, I sure don't; Why do you listen to it? I sure won't' sings Jack in Fox Trot. The answer: I don't know. My question is: Why on earth did he continue to make these albums?"

-Joe Jack Talcum, 2001.

Paradise Lagoon (August 1981)
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. Peter Puke (Pretty Boy Blue)
2. Paradise Lagoon
3. D. H.
4. Confusion
5. Flowers in the Graveyard
6. Paradise End

Side 2:
1. Fly Me To The Moon
2. Bippity Bop
3. Raging Cow
4. Girl with the Curly Hair
5. T. S.
6. Two Positive Points

The Last Known Address of Jonathan Salamander/Salamander Sessions (September 1981)
Track Listing:

1. Toilet Stall Song
2. Sex and War
3. Oh Philadelphia - written and recorded with Rodney
4. On Bandstand - this was actually released on Dr. Talcum's Studio of Fear the next winter but was recorded in the summer. The version on Fear is this one sped up. It was written with Rodney.
5. She's So Gay
6. Mellow Fellow
7. Mary is a Mushroom - written and recorded with Rodney
8. Going to Go Away
9. Come Ride My Funnycar - this was released on the Purgatory Beat album one year later
10. Clash of the Dragons - written and recorded with Rodney
11. A Minute Closer to Death - written and recorded with Rodney
12. Sleeping
13. Nuwav - written and recorded with Rodney

"During the summer between my freshman and sophomore years at college I lived with my folks in Wagontown and got a job as busboy in a Ramada Inn restaurant in nearby Downingtown. In my spare time I made recordings in my bedroom, often alone and sometimes with my friends Garth or Rodney. I recently stumbled across some cassette source tapes from this period, labeled 'Studio Tape 2' and 'Studio Tape 3'. My method of 'multi-track' recording back then involved playing back the original base recording from one cassette deck into another deck which had a line-in and a microphone-in which could be mixed. That mixed signal would be recorded as the overdubbed track. If I wanted more overdubs, I repeated the process. I had to be careful to get the right levels during the overdub recording because that would be the final mix. Usually I would keep the original take of a song, and the final overdubbed version. Most of the in-between takes would be dubbed over to save tape. This is how I recorded all of the early fictional Dead Milkmen albums. 'Studio Tape 2' and 'Studio Tape 3' contain some original takes, marked 'take 1', 'take 2' etc. followed by the final overdubbed versions of whichever take was deemed best.

Anyway, after reviewing these 'Studio Tapes' I realized that many of these songs were ones that were released on the long lost The Last Known Address of Jonathan Salamander album. So, for this month's bootleg I decided to digitize some of those songs and present them to you as the Salamander Sessions."

-Joe Jack Talcum, October 2011

Living Death in the Cellar of Sin (December 1981)
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. The Milkmen Moo
2. Get Happy
3. She Loves Me Hard
4. Help Me Lord
5. Cerebectocismio
6. Idiot
7. Mary is a Mushroom
8. Plum Dumb

Side 2:
1. Bang Bang
2. Girl With The Curly Hair
3. Guitar Strings
4. Middle Finger
5. Stuffed Animal
6. Mellow Fellow
7. The Milkmen Moo (reprise)
8. Get Happy You Jerks

"This psuedo-live recording by the 'ficticious' Dead Milkmen came to me by way of a posting on the Dead Milkmen's Free-for-All message board last month. It was recorded in one afternoon in late November 1981 in the basement of my parent's house while I was home from college on thanksgiving break, and 'released' the next month with a quickly drawn cover. Present for this incarnation of the Dead Milkmen were Rodney, Garth ('Pope Garth O'Niel') and me.

In their fictitious world, this 'show' was the first of the Dead Milkmen's tour of the Congo (where they were curiously famous) and was recorded for release as their next album. This recording is not exactly a live recording, however, because an overdub was made to enhance instrumentation on a couple of the songs (believe it or not). But, both the original take and the overdub were done in one take (discounting stopping the tape recorder to change instruments).

Another story about the tape: in late 90s, while gathering up my collection of the 'ficticious years' tapes, I discovered that this one would not play. It was my only copy and the tape was all jammed up. Rather than toss it out, I sent it to my friend Colin who somehow fixed it and made a copy for Jason, the Cult Leader Lettuce. Jason recently digitized his copy and posted it on the Milkmen's mesage board. Thanks to Colin Smith and Jason."

-Joe Jack Talcum, May 2008.

Nine New Sins (December 1981)
Side 1/Side 2
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. Crib Death Baby
2. Money Money
3. Have You Slugged Your Kids Today?
4. Screaming in the Library
5. Here Come the Nazis

Side 2:
1. Stupid Mary Anne
2. Don't Abort That Baby (Dance Version)
3. Pay
4. Dance With Me

"This extremely limited edition, hand-packaged e.p. is from the 'ficticious years' of the Milkmen, before the band existed as a performing combo. It was recorded sometime during my winter break from college (1981-82). Rodney was my songwriting collaborater for about half of these songs. He also performed on the recordings he helped write. (Some of these songs were later recorded and performed by the real Dead Milkmen.) These recordings precede my first meeting of Dave Blood by about a month. I would meet him after returning to college from my break. Also, Rodney and I were soon to see Dean perform in the band Narthex at the famous Landmark Tavern in Philadelphia, though we would not know at the time that he would eventually become the real Dead Milkmen's drummer."

-Joe Jack Talcum, February 2011.

Purgatory Beat (September 1982)
Track Listing:

1. Taking Retards to the Zoo
2. Stupid Mary Anne
3. Going to Purgatory
4. Dying
5. I Don't Wanna
6. Runaround
7. Come Ride My Funnycar
8. Spit Sink
9. Dancing in the Alley
10. Reality Exterminator
11. Dance with Me
12. Shopper Gopper
13. Depression Day Dinner
14. Ever Wake Up in the Morning

"This is an album from the 'fictitious' years, which was released on cassette in 1982 in a very limited hand-made edition. Most of the songs were recorded in the summer and fall of 1982 after Dave Blood and I moved into a house on Baker Street in the Manayunk section of Philadelphia less than a year before Dean would join the band and make it 'real'. A couple of the songs were taken from previously released cassette albums."

-Joe Jack Talcum, November 2013.

Wisconsin (November 1982)
Track Listing:

1. Dancing with Myself Again
2. Dancing with Myself Again (Conclusion)
3. Leave Me Alone
4. Instrumental
5. Rebound
6. At the Foodbar
7. Sweat
8. Wisconsin Pt. 1

A Date with the Dead Milkmen (March 1983)

Lyric Sheet
Track Listing:

Side 1:
1. Filet of Sole
2. Don't Abort That Baby
3. Right Wing Pigeons from Outer Space
4. I'm Living in Wisconsin
5. Guns for Tots

Side 2:
1. Girl Hunt
2. The Beach Song
3. I'm a Junkie, So What?
4. Death's Alright With Me
5. Ask Me to Dance

"This was recorded in Manayunk on Baker Street where Joe and Dave (plus others) shared an apartment, and released to friends in 1983 - before I joined the band. I believe that Rodney is playing drums on these recordings."

-Dean Sabatino, May 2006.

Millersville Delivery (1983)

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